System error: What not to ask the Help Desk

BY DEBORAH GILJUM

Once upon a time, a very long time ago, there were no computers. People survived without them… but frankly, I don’t know how.

Nevertheless, no matter how much you might love computers, you have to admit, there are times when you absolutely hate them—and you’re convinced they hate you, too. When you can’t make them work right, you have to break down and call for help. Don’t feel bad. It’s not that uncommon for a support technician to have a user threaten to toss the computer out the window. It’s probably even happened a time or two.

The thing about calling for support is, how do you do it without damaging your pride? As a support technician, I can give you these words of advice: Don’t worry about it! No matter how bad your problem, no matter how much you want to say, “Oh, duh!” afterwards, the plain fact is, your support technician has heard far worse. You don’t even compare. Don’t believe me? Then read on through these actual support calls.

Some questions, you just can’t answer.

User: I just had a message come up on my computer that says I need to close all programs and restart my computer. What should I do?

User: I got an error message in Outlook. I don’t know what it said. I remember it was a rectangle. Can you help?
Support: Hit the space bar or any key to continue.
User: Where’s the “Any” key?

Some, you can (whether you should or not).

User: You told me to shut down my computer. Now my screen is black.
Support: Turn the computer on at the power button.

User: No matter what program I type in, instead of what I type, I get weird characters, *** and ### and such.
Support: She had tried the water test on the keyboard. It failed.

User: Why doesn’t this file show as being modified today?
Support: Did you make any changes to it today?
User: No.
Support: That’s why it doesn’t show as being modified today.

User: These instructions say to go to “Mailbox - ” — but I can’t find any “your name.”
Support: “Your name” refers to you, your actual name.

User: There is a (5) next to my Inbox. That means I haven’t read five e-mails. But I don’t have five unread e-mails in there.
Support: Look in your inbox. Do you see any e-mails that are bolded?
User: Yes, five.
Support: Those are the ones you haven’t read yet.

User: I filled in all my info for this fax I want to send, but now I’m lost.
Support: Hit Send.

User: My secretary put some files in my C:\Attachments folder. How do I open them?
Support: Just go to that folder and open the files.
User: How?
Support: Double-click the My Computer icon. Then double-click Local Disk (C:). Then double-click the Attachments folder.
User: I see the files. How do I open them?
Support: Just double-click a file and it will open.

User: I have to split this document into 2MB chunks and I’m telling the program to do that, but it’s not working.
Support: The document is only 180K. That’s why it’s not splitting into 2MB chunks.

User: Somebody changed my monitor! It’s like it has a neck now; it’s sticking up in the air!
Support: Can you push it down?
User: ... Yes. Never mind.

User: My phone is not working. When I pick it up to dial, the green light is on, but it’s making alien noises.
Support: Moved the stack of paper off his pound button.

User: Converted a PDF to Word, but where is it?
Support: Look at your open Word documents. (She found it.)

User: A soda spontaneously leaped out of its container and onto my phone. Now my keys stick.
Support: Laughed and replaced the phone.

User: DSL is down again. Please send someone.
Support: Beat the DSL router with a wet noodle. Wet noodle made contact with the power switch, moving it to the off position. Problem then continued until the wet noodle connected with the power button yet again, moving it to the on position.

User: It takes me between 10 and 30 minutes to log onto the system remotely. I have a 56K modem.
Support: Yes. Horse and buggy, anyone? To quote Mr. Spock, “I am endeavoring, Ma’am, to construct a mnemonic circuit using stone knives and bear skins.”

User: My phone’s display is not working.
Support: He unplugged it. It doesn’t work when unplugged. Moved power cable farther from his feet.

User: Spilled water all over desk, and now mouse doesn’t work.
Support: Explained to her that it was a mouse, not a duck, and mice don’t like water. Replaced the mouse.

So, next time you need to call for support, hold your head up proudly and ask your question. Chances are, you probably won’t end up in a column like this one. But if you do, take comfort in knowing you gave some harried technician a well-needed smile.

You can e-mail Deborah Giljum at crtl_alt_divas@hotmail.com.

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