My doctor has warned me for years to avoid mixing prescription meds with alcohol. That unheeded advice proved to be downright terrifying last night while watching the Golden Globe Awards.
Under the unholy influence of Ambien and Red Bull vodka smoothies, the night unfolded before me like outtakes from a David Lynch film. Watching and listening to the inane banter of Kelly Osbourne and then Ross the Intern strained my already challenged mental capacity. Those two are so annoying and superficial that they would cause Mother Teresa to re-think her position on gun control were she alive today.
After dozing off for a bit, I awoke to find extras from “The Walking Dead” on screen in full make-up. “Not so,” said my friend and viewing partner Krystal Meth. “That’s the girl from Big Bang Theory.”
Her stylist should be fired, re-hired, and then demoted to stockroom duties at Forever 21. I also gasped in terror when I mistook actress Sienna Miller for an “American Girl” doll come to life. For one horrible moment, I thought that Stephen King had followed through on his threat to literally scare me to death.
Under the category of “What in fu@k’s name are YOU doing here?” Nicole Richie appeared like an unwanted and undeserving freshman crashing the senior prom. You can’t act and you can’t sing, doll. If you’re looking for something to do on a Sunday night, have a “Downton Abbey” viewing party with another reality TV show has-been.
One last word on fashion and awards shows before I move in to more pressing matters. Two actresses are above the fray when it comes to these shows: Jessica Chastain (“Zero Dark Thirty”) and Helen Mirren. Anyone criticizing the attire of these acting powerhouses will deal with me personally. Tip: your insurance company doesn’t offer enough coverage to assist with the medical bills that your Penelope beat-down will generate. But hey, if you think it’s worth being in the ICU just to take a jab at one or both of them, be my guest.
The most shocking moment for me last night was when Ryan Seacrest outed himself to the world….or so I initially thought. I am sitting there stoned out of my gourd listening to this heartfelt speech about the challenges of balancing life in the spotlight with the need for privacy and references to ex-partners and modern families, and I said through tears, “This is beautiful. I wonder how the fans of American Idol are gonna respond to this.”
“Honey,” Krystal said while shaking her head. “Ease up on the cough medicine and Stoli. That’s Jodie Foster.”
My advice for making the red carpet portion of the evening more exciting next year: In the middle of some cookie-cutter “interview” by Giuliana Rancic (speaking of no talent hacks), NeNe Leakes needs to take control and start off with , “Okay, honey, first of all…” After she concludes the segment, a giant anvil needs to be dropped on her, resulting in the cancellation of “Real Housewives of Atlanta.”
Now THAT’s entertainment!
By PENELOPE WIGSTOCK
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